They come in all colours, shapes, sizes and income brackets. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been together. Whatever the demographics, when you see a happy couple, you just know it! Here’s what not to do to ensure that your does not fail.
1. Picking Faults
Whoever we spend time with will undoubtedly have faults. Successful relationships require a certain tolerance of others’ weaknesses. If we keep picking up on the faults of over people, expecting them to change, we create permanent tension. For example, your partner or friend may not share your judgement that they are faults. This does not mean we have to ignore when others do wrong things.
A strong relationship should be able to cope with constructive criticism and suggestions. However, we need to make sure we don’t become obsessed with noticing bad things. Rather than remembering all the bad things your partner does, make yourself think of some of the good things that they have been doing. Unfortunately, humans often seem attracted to noticing the faults of others, but, it doesn’t help relationships to do this. If you become too critical it will cause long term problems.
2. Attachment
There is a big difference between real love and emotional attachment. When we have emotional attachment to someone, we need their attention and presence. When we have excessive attachment to others, we can easily become jealous and demanding. Often attachment occurs out of a sense of insecurity; if this is the case we need to develop self belief and inner confidence, we can’t just rely on other people to provide that. Strong relationships need a certain detachment; we need to be able to accept others for what they are, rather than expecting them to give us all their attention.
3. No Time
We have to spend time on what we value. If we always work late, it shows where our priorities lie. If we spend no time with our partner then they will begin to feel resentful / unloved. We can always make time for things we really value; make sure your relationships don’t suffer because you have given your life away to your boss. Also, make sure you create time when your partner is the focus of attention; do things that they enjoy doing, and don’t just drag them along to your office parties.
4. Domination
Even the closest relationships need to value the individual freedom of others. Problems will inevitably occur when we seek to dominate others. Often this takes the form of expectation. We want our son to become a certain person; we want our wife to live in a certain way.
Often people don’t realize how dominating they are. Parents justify to themselves the idea that they ‘only want the best for their children’ But, actually what they are doing is trying to live through their children. Nobody has the right to tell someone how they must live. If relationships are based on this expectation and domination, there will inevitably be conflict at some stage. The strongest relationships are based on mutual understanding and remain free of expectation.
5. Jealousy
It is ironic that we can easily become jealous of our closest friends. Jealousy often occurs when there is a feeling of separation and competition. We need to learn to be happy at the success of others; it only when we can feel a sense of oneness with others achievements that jealousy will remain far away.
Also, we need to trust our partner – a suspicious mind is very poisonous. It is better to be trusting rather always suspecting infidelity or disloyalty. Others will be rightly discomforted if we mistrust them. If our partner lets us down, it is not our fault. But, if we suspect, because of our own insecurity, we are bound to create serious problems in our own relationships.
6. Selfishness
Selfishness is the root of all relationship problems. When we are selfish we think of ourselves first and foremost. We ignore the needs of others and become ego centric. Ego centric people are never easy to live with; they tend to be a drain on relationships. When we are selfish we want the praise, support and backing of others; but, we are not willing to give anything in return.
True love is selfless, it is given without expectation of receiving anything in return. If we love our self the most, we will always struggle with relationships. Take time to listen to others rather than dominating the conversation; be giving rather than being permanently needy.
7. No Time
We have to spend time on what we value. If we always work late, it shows where our priorities lie. If we spend no time with our partner then they will begin to feel resentful / unloved. We can always make time for things we really value; make sure your relationships don’t suffer because you have given your life away to your boss. Also, make sure you create time when your partner is the focus of attention; do things that they enjoy doing, and don’t just drag them along to your office parties.
8. You think your happiness is dependent on someone else
We often think that if we can change another person’s response to us or how they relate to us, then we will be happier or more fulfilled. We say, “If you will change your behavior or condition, then as I observe it, I will feel better.” In other words, we give others the responsibility for how we feel.
You are only responsible for you. The road to better relationships always starts with you. Rather than attempt to control another person, work on becoming a better version of yourself. Healthier relationships will then come to you as a result.
9. You judge yourself, which leads to hyper-judgment toward others
What you judge most harshly in others is what you judge most harshly in yourself.
Who do you criticize? Your husband? Boss? Mother?
What behaviors do you judge in others? Vanity? Short-sightedness? Lack of self-respect?
How you answer these questions reveals a lot about how you regard yourself. It’s important to know that criticism and judgment come from the same source: shame.
Shame turned inward is self-criticism — turned outward it sits as a self-righteous judge of others. Judging others puts you in a one-up position with the illusory promise of power.
We say, “Look at what an impatient mother you are as you yell at your kids,” when we’re really saying to ourselves, “I find my own impatience intolerable. I’m such a terrible mother if I feel or act that way.” Judgment keeps us in a place of disconnection. We cannot be authentically connected to others when we hold them at arm’s length with our daggers of judgment.
10. Distance
An emotionally distant partner can be frustrating, which is why it is important to keep the communication flowing. When the talking and sharing stops, an invisible wall goes up, which can lead to some very unhappy endings.
When it comes to long distance relationships, these can certainly work, usually if there is an end goal in sight (knowing that eventually you will be living in the same city!). If you are entering into a LDR and you happen to be jealous or insecure, then you are in for a tough road ahead. It’s best to really consider whether you can handle these types of challenges ,or not.
Mbali Radebe
